Forgiveness in Pop Culture

So, the other day we begin looking at withholding forgiveness. One is that we think forgiveness must be earned (see article here). The second is that we think not forgiving the person will hurt them. The third is that we think God is too merciful to carry out justice (we don’t trust him). We’ll look at the second here and the last in a couple of days.

Unforgiveness as punishment to others

We feel justified in our hurt, and more than likely we are just in hurting. But let’s face it no one wants to remain in pain. Part of what keep us in pain is withholding our forgiveness. We are still hurting, and they should too. I don’t want to let them off the hook for the offense as long as I am still hurting. The truth of forgiveness is that withholding it only hurts us. The anger and hurt over the offense set down roots. The root of bitterness comes from unforgiveness. The lack of forgiveness also deepens the pain and anger we feel. The lack of forgiveness means that we have open wounds as we walk around and carry out our everyday affairs. Those open wounds are easily scratched and pushed upon, broadened and deepened by others and the original offender too. We leave ourselves open for more and more wounding.

Withholding assumes awareness

Withholding forgiveness as a punishment also assumes that the person is aware of this. The interesting thing is that the offender is only interested in knowing if we have forgiven them if they are repentant. Just above, we have noted that repentance is not a requirement of forgiveness. The whole argument really just falls apart at this point. They are unaware, so not hurting because of the withholding; we hurt ourselves and we grow bitter. It all impacts us badly and the offender not at all.

The Devil Wears Prada Teaches Forgiveness

If we consider popular movies and books, we have a number of examples why this doesn’t work out quite the way we expect. In A Christmas Carol, we have Scrooge who has been miserly and miserable to others for years; but he has no idea that is who he has become. It takes a significant shake-up for him to see it. He, as the offender, is unaware of the offense. Withholding forgiveness doesn’t affect him at all. Then we have the movie Liar Liar; do you remember the lawyer one with Jim Carey? The main character, Fletcher Reede, doesn’t view the offense (liar liar!) as we do. His lying hurts his son every single time and he just doesn’t care. Again, it takes a drastic 24-hour experience to change the man. He simply didn’t care, or maybe care enough, that he hurt his son. Withholding forgiveness wasn’t an impact for him either. The last example is The Devil Wears Prada, where Miranda (Meryl Streep), the boss doesn’t consider anyone’s needs or feelings through the whole film. She insults and belittles constantly. I flinched through the whole movie, every time Miranda opened her mouth, hoping for a change of heart. In the end, there was no change, because the young staff member Andy, played by Anne Hathaway, recognizes that she cannot influence the boss at all and quits the job. Through the end of the film, the offender never realizes the horror and outrage that she inflicts on others. Withholding forgiveness doesn’t touch her at all.

Humbling and Re-prioritization

It is in the humbling and re-prioritization that healing comes. Deuteronomy 29:18-19 tells us of the bitterness and where it comes from: walking in my own stubborn way. We stubbornly want that other person to change, all along we are incapable of inflicting change on the offender. It is personal reckoning, lead likely through the Holy Spirit, that leads to change. It is that Scrooge understands who he has become, Fletcher recognizes that family is more important than work, and Andy decides to release instead of suffering that brings change. In two of these stories, the changes come following divine intervention. So, we can pray for our offenders as we forgive them. But it is more likely that we make choices like Andy and choose to walk away from the hurt. Though I do not recommend walking away from the job, or the friendship, or the family. It is a Biblical start to the healing needed, forgiveness.

Stubbornly Forgive

We walk in our own stubborn way thinking that we can inflict hurt on others by not forgiving. The stubborn way of Christ, though, is to forgive. Every single time. Forgiveness is not a ‘feeling’, feeling like forgiving someone isn’t biblical. Forgiveness is a choice. And it is a many times thing. A 77 times thing (Matthew 18:21-22). So, in obedience, we just have to start with the words and the Spirit will lead the rest of the way. Each time the hurt and the offense come to mind, even 77 times, we just have say ‘I forgive, Lord – help me forgive, because I want to heal.’