LIE: If I Forgive, I have to reconcile

Lies We Believe about Forgiveness Series

Forgiveness is for me, not the relationship or the offender

If you have read the rest of this series (starts here), you might anticipate this answer. Forgiveness is something that I do for myself, for my relationship with God, for my benefit. The examples we have looked at don’t show that forgiveness does anything for the offender.

Treat the unrepentant as pagans

Reconciliation, like forgiveness, is a choice. It is a separate choice from forgiveness. Reconciliation takes work to restore trust and a willingness to give the person a second (or third or 490th) chance. Jesus tells us to treat the unrepentant as pagans and tax collectors (Matt. 18:15-17). Let us consider how he treated pagans, like the Centurion, the woman at the well, the Canaanite woman, Zacchaeus the tax collector. He was respectful and open when listening to them. He healed and shared the gospel, he went to Zacchaeus’ home. Those who repented he then welcomed. He also noted the faith of many of these people. So, we get a clear idea that Jesus is kind and merciful to pagans.

Jesus was also a straight-talker with them and did not permit them to harass him – he pushed back if they did. Consider again the Canaanite woman, also called Syrophoenician (in Matthew) who begged, and Jesus set her straight. He was merciful when he saw her faith. He praised the Centurion for his faith too. So, it seems Jesus was willing to interact with pagans but was observant and watchful of them too. He did not completely avoid pagans, but instead was honest and maintained his standards. He was never walked all over.

Be on guard against bad influence

Let us consider Paul too who warns believers often of those who believers should not permit to influence them. He tells us of Alexander (2 Tim 4:14-15) who opposed the gospel and warns Timothy away. He also warns of idleness and gossips (2 Thess. 3:6-15); goes so far as to say to stay away from believers who is ‘disruptive’. Again, we see the watchfulness. The believer needs to be watchful of the influences that those around us have on us. Over and over we are told in the Bible to be on our guard of the people we choose to spend time with: ‘Bad company corrupts good character’ (1 Cor. 15:33) and ‘Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm,’ (Prov. 13:20)

Reconciliation as a choice

It comes down to reconciliation as a choice, not a must. It would seem to be easier to reconcile if the person is repentant. But in all honesty, it is not always as easy as a ‘choice’. At times, we cannot help but have a relationship with someone after a falling out, a colleague, an ex-spouse, a fellow churchgoer. These are minefields at times. But remember that forgiveness will put you in a different place with regards to the pains we carry. And since reconciliation is not required, we can work around the required interactions with these offenders.

Strategies to continue in broken relationships

If this article has made you realize you might need some guidance about forgiveness, be sure to check out my book Alive Again: Find Healing in Forgiveness. The book is a practical guide and Bible study in one, including God’s forgiveness for us, defining forgiveness, recognizing unforgiveness, a discussion of reconciliation and steps to keep your sanity in broken and mending relationships.

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