LIE: Forgiveness must be earned
Lies We Believe about Forgiveness Series
Earning Forgiveness
There are perhaps two reasons why we might think the person should earn our forgiveness. This lie may have been confounded by our desire to make the person pay for their offenses or it may be confused by how to restore trust and build a new relationship with the person. But let’s get real: Is there anything at all that someone could do to make up for their offense? Can a wife ever do enough to make up for an affair? Can a murderer ever do enough to repay the life taken? Can a lie be taken back and make everything ok? There is nothing that person could do that would cover over what they have done to us or to the Lord.
Forgiveness can’t be earned
As Christians, we also know that nothing except the blood of Jesus can wipe away our sins and restore our relationship with God. There is nothing I can do to be ‘good enough’ or ‘right enough’ or ‘clean enough’ to approach God and have a relationship with him. He planned a solution to the distance that our sin created. And since we have accepted his son and his son’s death as our substitute payment for our sins, he is with us, lives in us and works in us. Similarly, there is nothing we can do to earn the forgiveness that we have freely because of the blood of Jesus. When we remember that, we know that no one will earn our forgiveness either.
They must feel remorse for me to forgive
Isn’t this awfully similar to earning my forgiveness? This is that desire that they hurt as much as I do, but remorse doesn’t earn anything either. It shows a change of heart and might make it more hopeful to re-establish or restore a relationship. It gives us hope that the person will be different, and we won’t get hurt again. But if that person never does experience remorse, or at least doesn’t show it to you, you have the right to move on with your life. Waiting for remorse just give bitterness time to take root and steal your joy and growth in the Lord. Remorse doesn’t earn forgiveness either.
Re-establishing trust in relationships
The second point above was that rebuilding a relationship or re-establishing trust may influence this thought that someone should earn our forgiveness. I propose that what we want is that the relationship be restored to its former state, but it has been broken. The trust must be rebuilt. That rebuilding is what takes effort on the part of the offender and on our part in recognition of work done to reestablish trust and the relationship. So, yes, there may be some work to do, but it is not for our forgiveness.
Forgiveness is a free gift that helps me heal, and actually does nothing for the offender. Forgiveness cannot be earned anymore than we can turn back time to before the offense. But forgiveness is the beginning of healing from the hurt and potentially healing the relationship. Do you have to heal the relationship? Doesn’t the Bible say that? Come next week for the answer to that!
If this article has made you realize you might need some guidance about forgiveness, be sure to check out my book Alive Again: Find Healing in Forgiveness. The book is a practical guide and Bible study in one, including God’s forgiveness for us, defining forgiveness, recognizing unforgiveness, a discussion of reconciliation and steps to keep your sanity in broken and mending relationships.
The Alive Again Course Bundle is now available! Leave past hurts behind and move forward. Sign up today.
