When Others Assert Control: Parable of the two sons
The examples of control and the easy way that controlling actions and thoughts can slip in are what we have looked at so far. But what about when you are on the other side? When someone asserts control where they should not tread, my internal response … well, let’s say it isn’t very Christ-like by impulse.
Asserting control
We can easily list out the ways that children buck authority and try to assert control, ‘No, I don’t want to clean my room.’ My niece is particularly headstrong, so much so that I have to keep myself from laughing at how much she pushes back in such ways that are so out of touch with reality. But it was not a laughing matter several years ago when my husband came home telling me that a member of staff was refusing to do work assigned within their responsibility. More recently, there has been another case that I have heard of where adults simply refuse to carry out the functions expected of their job. I say ‘simply’ but we know that there is nothing simple about it, the knock-on effect is staggering. What on earth do we do? But maybe the question we ask ourselves should be why on earth are they saying no?
Parable of the Two Sons in the Vineyard
Jesus even presented this issue a couple of times through parables. In Matthew 21:28-32, we read the Parable of the Two Sons which tells the story of a father who asks each son to go and work in the vineyard. One says he won’t but changes his mind and then does. The other says, ‘yes, sir’ and never does the work. Jesus asks which of the sons did as the father wanted and the crowd answers that it was the one who actually worked, though he had said no. Maybe this was the first time we had an example of ‘actions speak louder than words’?
The remarkable part of this parable as I consider it today is that the father doesn’t rebuke, instruct, or otherwise respond to either of the sons. He sets out the expectation and then stands back to allow each to choose and do. I am quite certain that I would not have done the same, though perhaps now I would at least check my response, I hope. I think my response would be along the lines of, ‘after all these years of clothing you and feeding you and supporting you, it is time for you get out there are pull your weight.’ Can’t you imagine that response to the one who tells me no? And the one who says yes, I’m sure I would praise and clap on the back, sending him on his merry way. But the father does neither berate nor praise. I imagine he responded with just a nod and maybe a small smile or disappointed look, but quietly walked away. I think these sons were no longer boys to be trained up in the ways of the Lord, they knew his ways. Now it was time to make the choice themselves.
Changing our Mind
What is interesting is that verse 29, ‘he changed his mind’ doesn’t indicate a change of heart. It indicates rather that the work was done in obedience or training rather than from the heart. Though one has done as the father asked, he still hasn’t reached the heart of the father, only obedience. Matthew follows this parable with others and with conversations in which other intentions and other priorities are clearly where the heart is, not on God. Finally, in Matthew 22:34-40, one of the legal experts asks Jesus, ‘which is the greatest commandment in the Law?’ Jesus replied, ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ The answer of which was the greatest law was something that no law can bring about. Love is about relationships not law. And love is God’s primary desire for us and from us. He loves us without condition and wants our love too.
Having a heart relationship with God
It reminds me of the older brother in the Parable of the Prodigal Son, another of two sons. The contrast becomes more evident now, as to which son understood the love of the father and had a heart relationship with him. The older had a mind relationship with him, from obedience. But the reason that we do things and don’t do things is rooted in our hearts. The heart drives us to lovingly respond to mom when she asks us to clean our room. Our heart has to know the father as the prodigal did, know his character and heart. Know Father, like the prodigal who understood that all his mistakes were nothing because he returned to the father. The father wanted the son in his arms and cared not what the previous works had been. When our heart is in the right place, then we carry out the work that needs to be done, fully living in the love of God.
Remind others of their value
So, when we are faced with a child or a colleague who says ‘no’ to a request or duty, perhaps we have to look below the surface of control and the (my) knee-jerk reaction of ‘oh yes you will.’ I need to look at the heart of the person and see how they have missed or forgotten their value and the appreciation we have for them. I know we don’t always like our colleagues, but we are called to love them, they are God’s creations too and therefore redeemable. Look for the good and tell them, because they are likely not in tune with their creator and don’t know who they are or who they can be in Him. And for family and especially children or spouses, I think we are likely to notice the heart of the matter, their attitude and can do the same to remind them they are the beloved of God.
Believe me, I know there are many responses that I have when someone tells me ‘no’, but God works it out when we put him first. Any response I may have, like those examples I gave, put me first and just don’t improve the situation. I’ve got to put God first and that will change any control situation, despite what the other person’s priorities are.
