When We Want Reconciliation

When we want to reconcile after significant hurt, I think there is great hope for the relationship. It is when we are forced into a continued relationship when we would rather cut the offender from our lives that is a sticky and long-term process of developing a relationship. So, we’ll first look at the wanted reconciliation. There are several reconciliation stories we can look at: Esau and Jacob, Paul and Mark, etc. The one that I feel compelled to use today is Joseph’s reconciliation with his brothers. I have been reading this one in my daily Bible plan and have really seen how the relationship is tested in its rebuilding and I think it is worth sharing.

Reconciliation is a Process

The story of Joseph’s reconciliation is long, from Genesis 42 to 50. I think it is fitting that reconciliation takes so many pages and falls to close to the beginning of our history. Reconciliation is a process and the story being told in such detail and falling so early in the Bible seems to underscore the importance. Thankfully, most of what we will look at is in chapters 42 to 45.

Reluctant to Engage

Joseph is clearly skeptical of his brothers, even calling them spies who have come to plot out ways to steal grain needed during the drought. We too do not have to go into reconciliation with our hearts on our sleeves. It is normal to fear additional hurt from people who have hurt us in the past, but we are encouraged to do this 70 times 7 times. What is not healthy is to allow the fear of hurt to keep us from engaging and moving a relationship forward.

Test the Change of Heart

Joseph hears the evidence in his brother’s conversation of regret. They speak of what they did to him so many years ago and that they must pay for their mistakes. So, Joseph has an idea that these brothers may have changed; they at least had noted in their hearts that they have done wrong. Was there a change of heart? To find out, he tested them.

Test 1: He tested them by keeping one brother in exchange for them bringing the last brother to prove they were not spies. I’m sure he wondered what they would do, after all he was left for dead. Would they do the same to this brother?

Test 2: On top of keeping one brother, he also gave them back the silver that was used as payment for the grain they came for. Would they be honest and return it? Do they have a changed heart?

These two tests are on top of each other. He was pushing to find out if they had a change of heart. But then he waited. He must have waited months because the food is gone by the time the brothers return to purchase more food.

Test Answer 1: The brothers finally return, and they do bring the youngest, Joseph’s brother Benjamin. They did not leave their brother for dead.

Test Answer 2: They also disclose immediately that they found the silver payment in their sacks of grain the last time. Immediate disclosure of an issue.

So, the brothers did not behave as they had in the past, leaving one brother for dead and they had not harmed their other half-brother either. They had changed.

They also passed a separate test; they noticed something that would be a block to trust and they disclosed it. They knew they could be punished for what had happened or turned away and sent back to watch their families starve. Instead, they discussed the issue and asked for mercy. More evidence of change.

But Joseph wasn’t ready to put himself out their yet, he still didn’t tell them who he was. He needed to give it more time. I would like to think that he was praying for them all and for the relationship in this time. Still he set them to another test.

Test 3: Joseph secretly had a silver cup put into Benjamin’s bag before the brothers left and sent one of his men after them to find out where it had gone. Now Joseph would know if the brothers were going to take care of their half-brother, too.

Test Answer 3: The brothers were terrified at what would happen to Benjamin and immediately all went back to face the issue and submit themselves to Joseph. Judah even insisted on taking Benjamin’s place and submit himself for punishment.

It took three tests and quite a bit of time passing before Joseph finished his tests and was ready to reveal himself to his brothers.

Joseph Models Reconciliation

I think that we can take this as a model of the reconciliation process. It is a natural protective instinct to hesitate to engage with those who have hurt us in the past. Joseph tested the change of heart that he hoped for in his brothers. He didn’t tell them what he was doing, and that is the one thing that I think we should do. At the death of their father, the brothers worried that Joseph still held a grudge against them and so contrived to say that Jacob called upon Joseph to forgive them; they even threw themselves upon him saying they would be his slaves. Maturing relationships should be open, discussing the tests and the hesitation of hurting in reconciled relationships. This would have assured the brothers of Joseph’s true feelings. Remember it is what has been brought to light that is of God, the things that remain in darkness are what hold us back and bring us down. So, maybe Joseph isn’t an ideal reconciliation story, but a model starting place for sure. He took his time, tested the change of heart and didn’t let fear rule over the relationship.

Reconciliation is possible

Reconciliation is possible, with time and patience. We are fallible humans who need grace in relationships. Openly discussing the process and how we feel as we seek to reconcile is the best way to ensure that both parties are enabled to make the reconciliation succeed.