LIE: Forgive = Forget

Lies We Believe about Forgiveness Series

Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting.

I wish! Wouldn’t it be easier to forgive someone if we could then completely erase the memory of the offense? Forgiveness would be easy then! Unfortunately, this is not the case. When we forgive, we still remember.

We remember but we are not in pain

We remember but we no longer have the emotional trigger associated with the offender and offense when we forgive. Forgiveness cuts the ties that bind us to the offender, it cuts the anger, the malice, the desire for revenge, the bitterness, the pain. God is able to heal us of all that pain when we forgive.

Here is an unfortunate but easily imagined scenario as an example. Two youngsters in a group of high schoolers date for several months. The boy breaks it off with the girl, let’s call her Jewel. She is hurt and can’t understand. He moves on… and starts to date her best friend. Double whammy! Jewel begins to sit at the opposite end of the lunch table from her best friend. She doesn’t go over to her house or call her. She is too hurt to even think about her or hear her name. She walks away when anyone in their group says her ex-best friend’s name.

Unforgiveness dictates her life

Jewel is experiencing the hurt of rejection and the betrayal of her best friend. She begins to make decisions based on what they are doing. She no longer makes the choices on her own where to sit or what (who) to talk about, they are dictated by the other ex-friends in her life. She will always remember the time in high school when this happened.

Forgiveness frees

But she doesn’t have to let her pain and these two people dictate her actions and joy. She can forgive them and thereby change her feelings about the things that happened. Galatians 5:1 says we should live in freedom with Christ, not slavery; Jewel’s slavery would be the pain and unforgiveness. Forgiveness gives freedom and room to the Holy Spirit to work his fruit in her (Gal 5:22-26). With God, she will be able to stop avoiding because the pain associated the people and situations will be changed, dampened. The memories will no longer trigger pain because she has, with God’s help, forgiven them. God has worked in her and shown her that she is loved (Rom. 5:8) and not rejected. God has worked to show her she is he will never leave her or forsake her (Deut. 31:8), never betray her. God fulfills the needs that opened up with these offenses of rejection and betrayal.

We do not forget, but the memories no longer trigger pain and no longer control our actions. With forgiveness, we are cut free from the pain. We make choices in freedom instead of pain when we forgive.

If this article has made you realize you might need some guidance about forgiveness, be sure to check out my book Alive Again: Find Healing in Forgiveness. The book is a practical guide and Bible study in one, including God’s forgiveness for us, defining forgiveness, recognizing unforgiveness, a discussion of reconciliation and steps to keep your sanity in broken and mending relationships.

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