Breakthrough to Joy

Our breakthroughs to joy are not always of the immediacy that we would prefer. We walk the road at our own pace, just as Naomi took time to see a new hope and Ruth seemed to see one earlier (see previous article). However, God is faithful to walk with us to breakthrough to joy again. 

We are honored to have Dianne Swart join us today to share her struggle with chronic illness and how she has regained her joy despite new limitations. Dianne loves gardening and enjoys spending time with her children and grandchildren. She has lived in Ghana, Nigeria, Canada, and the Philippines, aside from her home country of South Africa. She loves the Lord and is quick to encourage others. I sense her struggle in this illness, but her choice to seek God in this struggle has brought her a breakthrough to joy. Thank you, Dianne, for sharing your walk with us.

From Dianne:

The onset

A couple of years ago I gradually stopped feeling like me. It crept up on me slowly and was like a garment that I slipped on over my shoulders and never shrugged off again. I did not feel earnestly sick but rather like my body had aged rapidly, and not well. Movement that I took for granted was becoming increasingly difficult. Gardening, my passion, had become a chore. Every part of me ached after a few hours in the garden. I smiled less, grumbled more and was generally discontent. My family seemed oblivious to my aching body and the awful fatigue I was experiencing, and I was often told that I don't look after myself properly, that I am unfit. I believed this and tried harder to address these areas. I got so tired.

Then "compare and despair" syndrome kicked in as I looked around at the woman my age and I felt and moved like a woman much older. This made me feel worse and my discontent grew. I was so tired, but I pushed myself to be normal and do what I felt was normal. All the internal stress that made then created times when I would melt down every so often. Then I was then seen to be difficult and demanding.

During this same time, my precious sister was battling cancer and compared to her I really was not sick, so I pushed myself harder to be well. My sister died, my world crumbled, and I eventually went to a doctor.  I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. Apparently, I had had RA for a number of years already and some of the effects were now irreversible, like the deformities in the joints in my fingers. I was angry at myself for not going to a doctor sooner.

Hope returns

Soon thereafter, we moved to Manila and I found a great Rheumatologist and was put on daily steroids and a weekly dose of methotrexate. Methotrexate is an oral chemotherapy treatment that reduces the inflammation in my joints. I am so much better even though both medications have adverse side effects, but the reward is greater than the side effects.

Looking back, I realize that I had to grieve the loss of Me as I knew me. I was never going to be that Me again. I loved that woman and was not happy with the new one. She was lacking and I wanted the previous version back, and it was never going to be.

All the internal conflict made so much internal stress and discord; and I was so unhappy with me and the world at large. I never smiled or laughed. I felt sad and very misunderstood by myself and others.

In all of this God was near but I kept the area of my health separate, not believing in healing as my mom and sister had both died of cancer. Both were wonderful women of God. Neither were healed. I just did not believe in healing. Again, so much conflict in what the Word says and what I believed through my interpretation of the word and personal experiences of death through illness.

I love the Lord and I wanted to grow deeper in intimacy with him. From Him, I got my strength for daily living. So, I pushed in.

The breakthrough

I joined a new ladies bible study group from our church in Manila and journeyed with these women. We studied the Word together, prayed for each other and encouraged one another.  This was a lifeline and a blessing. God knew what I needed and provided for this in His wonderful way. I needed friends, God-loving women, and He gave me this group of ladies.

I began the grieving process. I accepted that I have an autoimmune illness. I don't know why I have it and I released myself from the guilt of it being self-induced due to unforgiveness or bitterness. I am however open to pursuing this deeper with the Lord and that He will show me through His Holy Spirit how to deal with unforgiveness and bitterness. I want to take an axe to the root. I don't want to eat the tainted fruit or have those I deeply love eat it either.

I let go of the frustration I continually felt at my limitations. I let go of the regrets that I had that I had not been able to live on our farm sooner. My husband works all over the world and we move every few years.  I let go of the regret that I would never hike all the beautiful trails on the farm with my granddaughter. We do however still manage the easier trails nearer the house.

I am no longer angry at myself for not going to the doctor sooner and for just being sick.  I try to be kinder to myself, learning to rest when my body needs to. Saying no when I know my body can't manage. I still push my body to do the physical things that I enjoy doing, but I listen when my body starts to shut down with fatigue or pain.

I still feel misunderstood by those around me as the is no outward sign of the internal struggle my body is going through. To others I look fine other than the almost permanent limp in my left leg. I however understand and accept my limitations now.

I am learning to love the new me.

I am finding joy in spite of Rheumatoid Arthritis.

My smile is back, and I have experienced what it means to say the joy of the Lord is my strength. I know He will never leave me or forsake me.